


He Walked Away

by InsideMyDarkHeart



Category: Law & Order: SVU
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-03-29
Updated: 2016-03-29
Packaged: 2018-05-29 20:31:57
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 5,738
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6392620
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/InsideMyDarkHeart/pseuds/InsideMyDarkHeart
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>He just walked away from it all, but did he really believe he could walk from Olivia?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

Elliot walked away. From the victims, from his co-workers, his job. He walked away from her and tried so desperately not to look back.

The blood had soaked through to his clothes and stained his skin. Walking into his house, it didn’t feel like a home, in a daze he ignored the questions from his wife and headed upstairs.

The shower was hot, scorching. Elliot stepped under the spray and scrubbed. He washed away the blood but the shock; the guilt couldn’t be scrubbed away so easily.

He shot a girl, killed a 16 year old girl. She was the same age as his twins and he killed her. He was Jenna shoot 4 people as he went for his gun. Elliot looked up as she swung around and aimed at Olivia. 

He didn’t even think about it, he just shot. Jenna went down, her blood seeping through her shirt. He tried to stem the bleeding, he really tried but it was no use. Jenna died there on the squad room floor. His eyes locked onto Olivia, she looked horrified.

Elliot shuts off the shower and steps out to dry himself. His skin is red raw, not that he notices. 

Walking to the closet to find some clothes he can hear his phone ringing. He ignores it and goes about finding his sweat pants and a t shirt. The clothes he removed before his shower need to go in the bin, better yet burnt he decided.

The phone rings again.

He lays down on the bed, exhausted. He now hears the home phone ring. He knows his wife will answer, he also knows who will be on the other end. The ringing stops and he can hear Kathy’s muffled voice, then her footsteps as she walks up the stars to the bedroom.

Kathy knocks on the door lightly before she enters. She looks at him lying in the middle of the bed, eyes closed. 

With the cordless phone in her hand she quietly informs him Olivia wants to talk. He doesn’t say a word, just rolls on his side away from her.

Kathy sighs, walks out of the room and closes the door. Again he can hear her voice as she tells Olivia he doesn’t want to talk. He wonders how much Olivia will tell her, what blanks will he need to fill in?

Slowly he drifts off to sleep. He is plagued with nightmares. Olivia is shot, Jenna shoots herself. Elliot wakes in a sweat, breathing heavy. He knows the dreams won’t go away anytime soon and that every night could be a different scenario. He begins to dread the night, even though it has only been a few hours since the shooting.

He groans and gets up. It’s dark outside now, the house silent. He checks on his youngest son, he is the innocent one. They will need to shield him from the worst of it, the news reports that will come out in the next few days, weeks. He will talk to Kathy, he thinks, just the bare facts so she will know what to expect.

He wonders where she is, the clock on the bedside table had shown him it was past midnight and she wasn’t next to him.

He opens the door to Maureen’s old room, they had made it into a guest room but in reality he made more use of it. He would tell himself it was due to his long hours, didn’t want to disturb Kathy. He was actually more comfortable there alone than sharing a bed with is wife.

She was in there, asleep. He could just make out her outline as the faint glow of the streetlamp came through the gap in the curtains.

He retreats from the room quietly, he doesn’t want to wake her, and he doesn’t want to have that conversation now.

He makes his way back to the main bedroom to retrieve his phone. It was still in his pants pocket on the bathroom floor. Unlocking it he stared at the screen. 24 missed calls, 4 from Cragen, 3from the squad room extension and the rest…Olivia. There were also numerous text messages which he didn’t read. He didn’t check the voicemails either, just turned the phone off.

Tomorrow I will call her, see her, anything to hear her voice he tells himself. He knows it is a lie though. A wry chuckle escapes his lips; he knows he is lying to himself.

His whole life had become a lie. He lived in a house he hated, pretended to love the woman he called his wife when he knows it isn’t her he loves. It isn’t Kathy he wants to wake up with; it isn’t her voice he wants to hear call his name when they make love. No, it’s Olivia. It has been for a long time now. He just can’t admit it to her.

He goes downstairs to the kitchen and grabs a beer from the fridge. Probably not the best choice he thinks to himself, but he needs something.

Sitting on the couch he tries to get his thoughts in order. He has some big decisions to make and he knows not everyone will come away unscathed. He knows he isn’t going back to SVU or even the NYPD for that matter. No, he was done. He had given them his all but now it was over. 

It had been on his mind for a long time, quitting. The incident with Jenna has just brought it forward a little bit. This was something he needed to do for his own sanity. 

The next thing Elliot had to try and sort out is his home life. They aren’t in love anymore, truth be told he wasn’t when he & Kathy slept together the night Eli was conceived. He shouldn’t have gone to her, she wasn’t who he wanted.

He only returned home because of some misguided feeling of family obligation. Neither Maureen nor Kathleen lived at home anymore. The twins were used to him not being at the house much. If he had just said no, why didn’t he say no to going home? He had asked himself that so many times over the years.

Eli would be fine, it would have worked, but no he had to take the easy way out. Instead of facing the feelings he had for Olivia he had run away before it got “complicated”. The irony that he as the one running instead of her did not escape him. She ran when things became “complicated”.

He knows she has feelings for him. They have never discussed it but he knows. When they first began to work together there were touches, they used to act out the crime scenes for Christ sakes. There were innuendoes, little jokes between them but back then they were just friends. 

Then Gitano came into their lives. That man made them both confront feelings they had been trying to hide. They barely looked at each other after that. Every accidental touch seemed to have a hidden meaning that neither of them wanted to admit. 

She had even transferred out for a little while, left him. He hated her for that; he hated not seeing her face every day. No matter how bad things were between them he would still take comfort in knowing she was there. Olivia did come back though, not that he made her feel appreciated he thought. Maybe that’s why she ran again, undercover this time. God he missed her so much. That moment when he dialled her number only to be told it was disconnected, the hurt he felt was indescribable. 

Then he knocked Kathy up and went home. Olivia distanced herself from him, or so he felt. Just lately though, he felt a shift. Something changed between them. They shared little touches again. He had caught her staring at him a few times and he knew she had caught him doing the very same.

Sonya Paxton….her murder had a huge effect on their relationship. He ran to her, practically bolted from Quantico because he knew she needed him. They had held each other, God he didn’t want to let go. He wanted to kiss her and tell her he loved her, but no, he just told her the truth…”I should have come back sooner”. He knew she would understand the meaning behind those words. She always knew, she had to.

Elliot looked up at the sun poking through the kitchen blinds. He had sat for hours deciding what path the rest of his life would take. 

The events of the previous day had defiantly made him realise how deeply he felt for Olivia. He had come so close to losing her. He had to take the shot; there was no doubt in his mind about that. He needs to tell her, but first he needs to speak to Kathy. He knows he is going to hurt her but neither of them should be living this lie anymore; they deserve a shot at happiness. He knows that she will hate him, will scream and curse him but eventually she will understand.

A million things start to run through his head. He needs to hand in his notice, which means speaking to his Captain, the man who has defended him for many years. Elliot dreaded this conversation but it had to be done. 

He needs to find an apartment too, when he & Kathy got back together he had let the other place go. This time though, he wanted to find a place more homely. Elliot decided he didn’t want some crappy little box apartment with one dingy bedroom. He wanted to find a place he & his kids, particularly Eli, could feel comfortable in. A place he would welcome coming to on his weekends with his Dad.

Elliot knows he needs to get his life in some sort of order before he speaks to Olivia, his Liv. He needs to be grounded before he confesses all to her in the hope that she feels the same way. He knows she does, deep down he knows. He doesn’t want to turn her world upside down until he can give her is all. He wants her to know he isn’t going anywhere. They may not be partners at work anymore but he will damn well make sure she knows that he is her partner for life, for better or worse.

Elliot can hear Kathy’s footsteps; she is coming down the stairs. Her shuffle sounds hesitant he thinks, almost like she knows what is coming. 

He turns to her as she walks around the couch and sits in the chair opposite him. Looking up at her, looking into her eyes he realises it’s time. It’s time for him to set them both free.  
“Kathy, we need to talk…..”


	2. Olivia

Chapter 2:  
A/N This is entirely all Olivia’s thoughts directly after the shooting leading up to her return to work

Olivia looked up just in time to see her partner walking out of the squad room, his head down, shoulders slumped. Elliot stumbled slightly as a paramedic rushed passed him in a vain attempt to administer first aid. Olivia looked around; they should have just called the coroner first & saved the hassle. There were no survivors. 

She tried to call out his name but nothing would come out of her mouth. She was in shock, her whole body was shaking. Except her arms, they felt numb. She slowly looked down and realised she was still applying pressure to the chest wound Sister Peg had suffered. Olivia slowly pulled them away; her hands were covered in blood. It had been a useless attempt to save the nuns life; she was already too far gone when she hit the ground. 

In the space of five minutes the squad room was covered in blood. Three people lay dead having been gunned down by the fourth person, a 15 year old girl. Two of the dead really were scum of the earth but Sister Peg, that woman had devoted her life to helping the less fortunate, how the hell did she deserve this. 

Olivia doesn’t remember too much, she remembers showing Jenna they had got the men who killed her mother but then it’s all a bit of a blur. She can see Jenna pull the gun and shoot; two of the men went down in an instant. Then she heard another bang and saw Sister Peg fall, Oliva went to her immediately and applied pressure to the oozing wound knowing that she couldn’t do anything to save her life.

As Olivia looks to find Elliot she can see Jenna aiming the gun at her this time. Everything slows down; she swears all the crap about seeing your life flash before your eyes is true. She thinks her last thought will be of Elliot and how she never told him how she felt. Then she hears the shot and she slams her eyes shut. All she can hear is the loud thudding of her heart against her chest. She feels no pain, she hasn’t buckled. Slowly Olivia opens her eyes to find Jenna dead, she looks around anxious to find Elliot, hoping like hell it wasn’t him who had to take the shot. She finds him; crouched over the desk, gun in hand. Their eyes meet, both in shock. 

She is now siting alone in her dark apartment hours later. Many phone calls and text messages to Elliot are still unanswered. Olivia has spoken to Kathy, she didn’t go into much detail, and it wasn’t her place. Kathy said to give him some time; he would call when he was ready.

Cragen has her on stress leave for the next 10 days. He said the orders have come from higher up but he will make sure they are enforced. He also said Elliot is on leave until IAB have completed their investigation into the shooting. She knows they will both have to see a shrink, someone from the pre-approved list sent from 1PP. Cragen said he will text her the names and numbers to make an appointment. Olivia knows that Elliot’s sessions will be a lot harder than hers will be. They will put him through the ringer before he is allowed to come back.

The time off moves surprisingly quick. She rearranges her apartment and had even bought some new cookery books. It was nice to be able to cook a meal from scratch, even if she had nobody to share it with. 

The therapy sessions were bearable. Obviously she had said the right things because she had spoken to Cragen a couple of hours ago and her return to work had been approved. She had also received calls from Munch & Fin, but not from the person she wanted to…no needed to hear from the most.

Olivia had called him a few times over the week; it went straight to voicemail each time. She had called the house phone again, Kathy answered and gave her the same spiel, he will call when he is ready. The next time her call went to the home answering machine she half expected the message to say “Leave your name and number, unless you’re Olivia in which case just give up.”

She spends most evenings the same way, sitting on the couch with a glass of wine going over her relationship with Elliot. He has come up a lot in the therapy sessions, usually at the insistence of the counsellor. She figures he is fishing to see what is going on between them, to see if he needs to make a recommendation about their partnership. How can she explain her relationship to a therapist when she can’t even explain it to herself?

She was looking back at her past relationships, trying to remember the last serious one she had, was it really Kurt? It seemed a lifetime ago. Most of her boyfriends didn’t last more than a month, six weeks tops.

She knows why, no one can ever live up to him, to her Elliot Stabler. In her eyes he is the perfect man. For Christ sakes, the man mortgaged his house for her. She also suspects that it was he who paid for Langhan to represent her but she never asks and he never tells. 

She has always had feelings for him. The second Cragen had introduced them she felt sparks. He was so handsome, rugged, those blue eyes you could just get lost in. His wedding ring had always been a deterrent though. Plus she actually liked Kathy. They never had a conventional friendship but Oliva respected the woman. Admittedly their relationship seemed to become strained the longer her partnership with Elliot lasted. 

Kathy had to put up with a lot of crap over the years. In the end Olivia saw the separation as inevitable. Elliot had shut down and would go days without speaking to his wife or even going home, preferring the uncomfortable beds in the crib. So no, it wasn’t a surprise.

What did surprise her was the way she found out about it. A lawyer blurted it out in Cragens office in attempt to enrage Elliot. Olivia was shocked, he hadn’t told her anything. She suspected things weren’t fantastic at home but not to this point.

She could hardly look him in the eye after that. Not because she was angry he didn’t tell her but because of the guilt she felt. Olivia had actually thought they had a chance. Looking back on this she scoffs at how naïve she had been.

Gitano, fucking Gitano, had screwed everything up. When he had that gun to Elliot’s head she couldn’t focus. She didn’t want to lose him. He expected her to take the shot, he told her so. What the hell as he thinking, she could never do that.

That was the first time she ran from him. She told Cragen she needed a break, he saw right through her but trusted her enough to come to him if she needed.

She didn’t tell Elliot, she just let him show up for work only to hear it from their captain. She felt like such a coward, but what would she say to him? “Hey, Elliot just a heads up, I’m now in computer crimes cos I have fallen head over heels in love with you. Anyway, have a great day”. Yeah, that would work. Their relationship, their partnership was just too complicated.

In the end she couldn’t stay away, she kept telling herself that it was the cases, the victims that drew her back but deep down she knew the truth. It was Elliot, always Elliot, who brought her back. She couldn’t bear not seeing his face opposite her every day. She was addicted to him.

She left him again, Oregon, undercover with the Feds. God, she wanted to say goodbye but as luck would have it, he was unconscious. Dana Lewis had a lot to answer for, every time she showed up Elliot was injured. They didn’t even let her leave him a note, something to explain. She had missed him so much. 

When she finally returned she told herself that she would speak to El, tell him how she felt. But then she saw him with his new partner, Dani fucking Beck. They looked so comfortable in each others presence that Olivia snuck out the back door so he wouldn’t see her.

She did rejoin the squad a few weeks later; Dani apparently couldn’t deal with the living victims. Things felt strained for a good few weeks, she knew he was pissed with her leaving. True to their nature though they never discussed it, hoping the issue would just disappear without having to confront their feelings.

Olivia took another long drink, finishing off the wine in the glass. She thought about getting a refill but decided against it. She hated thinking of all the incidents that changed them. She was so pissed that she never took a chance. If she had, who knows it may have been her giving birth to that 5th Stabler baby and not Kathy.

She tried so hard to be supportive of him, supportive of his decision to go back home to Kathy. She was pregnant again, apparently a one night thing but it got her knocked up once again. Olivia was even there to take Kathy to appointments if Elliot was unavailable. In the end it was her who was there when Eli was born, her who held the child for the first time. 

The time at the hospital is burned into her brain and her heart with the same intensity of being stuck in the warehouse with Gitano. Elliot walked out of Kathy’s room and Olivia thought he was going to walk straight past her but suddenly he turned. He pulled her into him and hugged her, she held onto him for dear life. The feelings that she had been trying to repress, push away came flooding back.

She missed the early days of their partnership, there was no hidden meaning (on his part anyway) to their little touches. Hell, they even used to flirt. The two years from when the Stabler’s split to when they reconciled seemed to mirror her & El’s partnership. Except they never really reconciled. Things never went back to how they were.

Looking back she realised things had started to change again. Elliot was spending more time at work, sleeping in the cribs. She remembered when Cragen spoke to them all about the training course in Quantico with the FBI. Elliot jumped at the chance to go. When their Captain told him it was a 10 day trip, El had just shrugged his shoulders and said the time wasn’t an issue.

He hadn’t lasted the whole 10 days. That whole case is still a blur in her mind. One minute she is talking to him on the big screen in the squad room, the next she is running into his arms.

She had just walked out of the bathroom here she had tried to save the life of Sonya Paxton, the pain in the arese ADA who reminded Olivia of her mother.

She saw him come around the corner, the look of concern covering his whole face. He broke into a run towards her and she couldn’t help but mirror his actions. He grabbed her and she couldn’t help but tell him she was really glad he was back. It was true; she hated being apart from him. It felt as though he was nuzzling into her neck when he told her he should have come back sooner. 

Olivia didn’t want to let him go, his voice sounded so gravely. Almost as if he had been crying, or was about to, she wasn’t sure. She knew though if she didn’t let him go they would head into very dangerous territory.

Olivia goes to bed that night longing for the morning, the first day back. Hoping like Hell she would see Elliot’s face across her desk. As she falls asleep she swears she can feel his arms wrapped around her and as she closes her eyes she is sure she hears him whisper in her ear “I love you Liv”.

NEXT MORNING:

Olivia walks into the squad room, two coffees in hand and is brought to a standstill. It looks different, new computers, new big screens. Shit, there is even new lighting, it looks too bright.

The can see one thing hasn’t changed; their joined desks are still there. She observes nothing is out of place there. She sets his coffee down and walks to her side, boots up her computer to check her email.

She looks up to see Cragen walk in, he calls her into his office. After a general catch up to make sure everything is ok, she asks about Elliot. Her Captain looks at her, as if surprised she doesn’t know, he informs her that he hasn’t been cleared yet. He also tells her they have a new detective helping out, a Rookie, Amanda Rollins.

Olivia nods her head, stands up, and walks out of the office. She stops at Elliot’s desk, her eyes landing on as photo of him and Eli, picks up the now cold coffee and throws it in the bin.

The guys all ask how she is doing, did she get shrinked much. They also introduce her to Rollins. Apparently because Munch is no longer in the field as much she is partnered with Fin. She seems nice enough, Olivia thinks. She also thinks that she is quite happy with going solo until her partner is cleared and comes back.

The next few days blend into another. She goes to anther therapy session, this time Seaview is mentioned. Olivia surprised herself by bringing it up. She had seen a counsellor after the assault but had stopped about a year ago. She now figures maybe she isn’t completely over it, she cant be if she volunteered that information. It had helped a little bit though; she is actually considering finding a different therapist after these work mandated sessions are completed. 

She had given Elliot his space and hadn’t called or sent a text since she returned to work, Last night though, after finding the Vodka in the back of the fridge, she had seriously debated getting into a cab and trying to bang his front door down. She felt embarrassed by the thought. She missed him, but she wouldn’t demean herself by doing that. He will call when he needs her.

She walked to her desk the next morning, looking longingly at the empty desk across from her. 

Cragen calls her into his office, he motions for her to take a seat but she refuses. The next thing out of his mouth completely shatters her heart.

“Elliot put his papers in. There was nothing I could do.”

All she could think to say was he had earned it. Cragen continued to talk to her but she tried to listen but couldn’t. She told him she would be fine, he didn’t believe it, even offered her a day which of course she refused.

Olivia walked out of his office holding in the tears that so desperately wanted to fall. She walked into an unoccupied interrogation room, slid to the floor and just cried.

Elliot was gone, he really isn’t coming back.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Final chapter...enjoy.

CHAPTER 3:

Three months. That’s how long it had taken Elliot to bring some kind of order to his life. The morning he had spoken to Kathy had been emotionally draining. She had cried and screamed at him. She believed it was an over reaction to the shooting. He still isn’t sure she fully believes the reasons he gave her but he told her the truth. That he only went back because she was pregnant, because of Eli. He hadn’t mentioned Olivia; he deliberately kept her name out of the conversation.

That night he had gone to see Cragen to hand in his notice. His Captain didn’t seem too surprised when Elliot told him he was leaving the unit but he did express his dismay when Elliot said he was leaving the NYPD all together. Elliot tried to explain that he felt it was time to go. Even though he was nearing 50 he felt he needed to do something different. He just couldn’t deal with these cases anymore, day in, day out. 

He shocked himself at how quickly he found an apartment. He figured when you don’t have a job that has crazy hours it makes a lot of things easier to do. Life becomes a little bit easier when you aren’t constantly thinking the phone is going to ring, that you are going to be called out to another horrific scene.

The apartment was nice, it had 2 bedrooms (fairly large) a good size living room and a well equipped kitchen. He knew he had a bit of money coming from his retirement so he used some of that to furnish the place. It actually looked like a home, rather than his old apartment which was just a miss match of tatty second hand furniture. 

He was able to put bunk beds and a regular single bed in the spare bedroom. Not that he expected the kids to all stay at once but he wanted a nice space for Eli, somewhere he would feel comfortable.

Telling their kids about the divorce had been quite easy. Both he and Kathy had called the two older girls. It wouldn’t affect them too much, they were hardly ever home anyway and when they were they both would pick up on the tension. They understood that both their parents deserved a shot at happiness and the divorce meant they are free to try.

The twins had been a little more difficult. Lizzie was very quiet. She had always been the more awkward of the two, Dickie, sorry Rick, was the more outgoing. Liz seemed to know that the divorce was Elliot’s idea. She had asked them if there was anything they could do to stay together. Kathy just stayed quiet and let Elliot field the questions. He explained to them both about the shooting and how it brought a lot of issues to a head.

Rick had glared at Elliot the entire time. He wonders if he is thinking back to the time he asked Olivia “How about you, ever sleep with your partner, Detective?”  
She had answered him with a firm no; Elliot had watched from behind the glass of the interrogation room and was shocked at his son. The boy had changed so much and it made Elliot realise how much of Dickies life he had missed out on. 

After the four of them had finished their conversation Elliot took Rick aside and assured him once again that nothing had ever happened between himself and Olivia. It wasn’t like he was lying, physically at least, nothing ever happened. 

Eli had been the hardest; because he is so young it is hard to explain the reasons why Daddy won’t be living at home anymore. They both just tried to reassure him that Mummy and Daddy love him very much and even though Daddy isn’t going to be home they will still see each other all the time. Eli didn’t seem overly concerned, it wouldn’t hit until he starts sleeping at Elliot’s new apartment he thinks. The only thing he really wanted to know is if there would be toys at Daddy’s new place.

A few weeks after he had moved out Elliot met with an old friend, Jo Marlowe. Se had heard on the grapevine about him leaving and she had told him she had a proposal she would like him to hear. The Police Academy is in the middle of setting up a new training course dealing with special victims, specifically the very young and the elderly. 

Jo reveals that she s on the panel to help pick lecturers and tutors for the classes and she had thought Elliot would make an excellent choice after how long he had spent with the unit. He told her he would give it some consideration and call her.’

He kept his promise and called a couple of days later to say he was interested. Jo gave him a time to meet with the rest of the panel the next day. They would discuss the training process and what it would involve.

The meeting had gone well, they wanted him to teach couple of classes and go through case studies. It would involve techniques to interview the victims. Techniques used with young children to make them feel at ease. The case studies would be actual cases that had been investigated, not necessarily by his old unit. It was regular hours, three days a week and amazingly good pay. No being woken at midnight to go out, no missing weekends with his kids, just a regular job.

He had attended the mandatory therapy sessions directly after the shooting. Even though he had resigned the NYPD had still insisted he attend all the sessions they had made available. After these had finished he found his own shrink. He had been able to open up about a lot of things and knew he still needed help to navigate the transition from cop to citizen.

He talked to the therapist about a lot of things, his failed marriage, 20 plus years over and how he felt. The pressures he had felt on the job, dealing every day with some of the worst crimes imaginable. He talked about Olivia. The more he and his shrink had discussed his relationship with Olivia the more determined he was to prove his love and commitment to her. 

The divorce was almost finalised. They still had the original papers that had been drawn up, a few things needed to be added. Kathy and Elliot sat down with their respective lawyers to add visitation arrangements for Eli. All they had to do then was re file the papers and just wait.

So here he was he felt ready to start the new chapter of his life. He had a new home, a new job and now he wanted the love of his life to share it with him. Elliot wanted Olivia. 

The nights had started to feel colder; he pulled his coat tighter around his middle. He walked down a street he had become very familiar with over the past 12 years. 

He stood outside the building and looked up at one particular window. The lights were off but the blinds were still open, that meant she hadn’t returned home yet. He smiles slightly as he remembers conversations they have had here when he used to bring her home. 

“Blink your lights when you get inside”. He always told her to do that, no matter what time it was, he always made her blink her lights. That way he knew that she was safe. Nearly every time she would call him a stubborn son of a bitch, but from the smile on her face that reached her eyes he knew she was glad he cared.

So Elliot sits down on the front step of the building, Olivia’s building and waits.


End file.
